Reframing the Counseling Conversation

Between the pandemic, horrifying tragedies, social media, and therapy commercials starring Olympic athletes, dynamics are merging to make counseling the norm in our cultural landscape. And it’s trending just as much inside our church communities.

With this emphasis on counseling, comes an influx of differing opinions. Opinions, though, are never comprehensive. Extreme voices tend to frame conversations, leaving moderate voices rarely heard. Reasonable voices are rarely found on Twitter; they’re too busy serving. As a result, public conversation often represents zealous positions, tempting us toward one ditch or the other. What’s shaping culture also influences the counseling conversation. This means blanket denunciations are often made of one counseling methodology over another. The conversation needs reframing, particularly for Christians, especially for ministry leaders.

Wise perspective requires sober mindedness (Titus 2:11-14).

Thoughtful counseling perspective shouldn’t be about condemning one methodology over another. Untrustworthiness exists in every vital profession. There are pastors who shouldn’t be, congressmen who shouldn’t be, teachers who shouldn’t be, doctors who shouldn’t be. And there are counselors who shouldn’t be. Instead of discrediting an entire category, we should seek to know the Creator while also seeking to understand his creation (Col 1:16). We should ask for his guidance (James 1:5) and be intuitive listeners, exploring what’s helpful. The potential of bad counseling shouldn’t stop us from seeking good counseling; it should make us diligent and discerning (Rom 12:2).

Dangerous counseling is not confined to one approach.

Harmful help is everywhere. There are horror stories of psychiatrists overprescribing for a diagnosis the patient doesn’t have, and counselors who blame victims for their abuse. I recently heard a psychologist suggest a mother rock her grown son with a baby bottle to solve attachment issues. I often hear from people seeking Christian therapy only to discover the therapist won’t talk about Jesus. Bad counsel can come from any methodology.

Counseling is a high calling. It’s a call to shepherd and love people in the most vulnerable places of their soul. It’s a call to manifest Christlike compassion and grace. It’s a call to help others move forward in healing. This means any counselor must be full of humility and grace (Eph 4:2). If this is true, here’s our new perspective:

The Bible is sufficient, not the counselor (2 Tim 3:15-17).

The Bible being sufficient doesn’t make every counselor sufficient. No earthly helper, regardless of degree, certification, Bible knowledge, or skill can be. No counselor will have all wisdom. The Bible is for everyone, but counseling is not a one-size-fits-all. Effective biblical counsel doesn’t prescribe a verse a day to keep the worry away. While all Christians have “everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him” (2 Pet. 1:3), that doesn’t mean everyone knows how to interpret or apply it. It is, however, at our disposal to learn and grow in with the help of the Spirit.

Personal sin isn’t always the problem.

It’s been said that biblical counselors want to blame everything on sin. In one theological sense, we can. Not because a person’s suffering is always a result of their personal sin, but because pain came into the world through sin (Rom 5:12). Therefore, all suffering derives from sin in general. Sin and suffering exist because of our fallen state. This doesn’t mean abuse victims or the chronically depressed are reaping the consequences of personal sin. It’s never a spouse’s fault if their husband or wife uses pornography. It’s never a child’s fault if the mother is abusive. A rape victim cannot “bring it on herself.” We are all sinners; therefore, we do sin (Rom 3:23). But our suffering is not always linked to personal sin (Ps 34:19).

The body really does keep score; but the body is never the only problem (Rom 8:11).

While holding firmly to biblical convictions, we can recognize the value in learning from other disciplines. For instance, pornography creates neuropathways in the physical brain, making it habit forming. This in no way negates the root of addiction as a worship problem requiring godly transformation (Rom 8:6). But learning about neural pathways helps show a bigger picture. A person may need rehabilitation or medication, but the heart must also be addressed for true, lasting change.

Counseling should be comprehensive, but one person isn’t (Ps 146:3).

One doctor cannot know every ailment: neither can a counselor. We aren’t disembodied hearts; we aren’t merely bodies. We are the imago Dei. This means a person may need both a doctor and a counselor, a nutritionist, and an endocrinologist. But also, no scenario removes the need for divine wisdom. If I have cancer, I still need spiritual guidance. If I struggle with fear, I still need godly counsel. If I have a thyroid problem, my relationship to God remains primary.

Counseling is best with the right fit (1 Cor 12:14).

Not everyone clicks with the same counselor. This isn’t personally insulting to the counselor. It displays the beauty and diversity of God’s creation and plan to use all people in kingdom work. Personalities matter. Communication styles matter. Some prefer a counselor to be milder or maybe more outgoing. This is encouraging for counselors as it relieves pressure of needing to help all people. God’s Word is sufficient, but the make-up and character of both parties’ matter.

As pastors seek to get counseling help, as leaders give referrals, as struggling Christians are looking for help, what do we need to remember?

There are stereotypes embedded in every counseling methodology; but these stereotypes don’t tell the whole story. There are wise, educated, and mindful counselors who believe deeply in the sufficiency of Scripture and yet, recognize the need for medicine, trauma research, and rehabilitation. Regardless of methodology, the best counselor will first be a biblical anthropologist.

Counseling itself isn’t all-sufficient but drinking from God’s wisdom produces good mental health (Ps 19). We also aren’t self-sufficient, but God promises to be our helper (2 Cor. 3:4-6; 9:8). Our calling then, is to know, remember, and utilize God’s truth, knowledge, goodness, and promises. It’s the primary call for every Christian. It’s the primary solution for hurting souls. And it should be the goal of every Christian counselor, regardless of methodology.

Dying to Self in Marriage

Watching husbands and wives in marriage counseling is sobering. The ugliness is piercing, but it’s also obvious. While I can easily recognize someone else’s problems, issues, and attitudes as blatantly sinful, I can have a hard time seeing my own that way. This is where the sobering part settles in. When I hear a wife say something to her husband that's similar to what I once said to mine behind closed doors, it’s like being hit with a two-by-four of sinful reality. Turns out, I’m not above the mire.

Your sin isn’t special.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor 10:13). This promise is really good news because God gives no exceptions to the kinds of sin he will help us overcome. He says there is always a way out of sinning. That means in moments of marriage where I would prefer my husband to do something a different way, or say something a different way—where I want him to be already perfectly sanctified in a particular area—I don’t have to sin in response. I don’t have to get sinfully angry. I don’t have to manipulate him to change. I don’t have to think or talk badly about him.

The one way out of sinning is to love Jesus more than you love your personal desires. The more you become like Jesus, the more you will desire what he desires. Putting your spouse’s needs before your own will not work unless you put Jesus’ desires above everything.

Stop pointing fingers.

It’s so easy for my husband to see where I need to change. He knows me better than anyone else because I am “unplugged” more with him than with anyone else. At the core, my true self is a real sinner in need of a real Savior. My husband may not see all, but he sees a lot. But, the flip side is also true: I have a front-row seat to my husband’s sin. I must remember that God’s sanctification plan for my spouse is better than my sanctification plan for my spouse. If it was up to me, I would selfishly already have him be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (Jas 1:2). My husband’s sanctification affects me, but it isn’t about me. I would make a selfish god who would desire my husband to glorify me at the expense of what is good for him. God desires for us to be like him in perfection, but he does it in a way that includes loving relationship with him. Sanctification is personalized for Christians as individuals. God works out our desperate need to be like him within the context of personal relationship because he’s not a taskmaster. He’s a kind father teaching disobedient children how to make wise choices that lead to ultimate satisfaction forever.

Dying to self is a painful privilege.

Dying to self in marriage is likely more painful than you thought. But it’s also a lot easier than you think. You really don’t have to have things a certain way. The bed doesn’t have to be made a specific way; there is more than one way to fold laundry; if a bill isn’t paid on time the world will not end. Sure, your spouse can make bad choices. He or she can act out in front of the kids or spend money in a way you don’t like. But at the end of the day, God wants him or her to make right choices way more than you do.

If dying to self wasn’t painful, it wouldn’t lead us to Jesus. “. . . Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pt 2:21-23). Make no mistake about it—God will not let your spouse’s sin go without confrontation. He is the perfect judge. He doesn’t give spouses so we can dispense judgment on one another. He gives spouses so we have help to display the beauty of brokenness redeemed by perfect love from a kind Person who does not threaten others when they insult him. The point of dying to self in marriage isn’t to be miserable, the point is to actually love better.

Be responsible for yourself.

There are clear constructs in God’s Word of how a husband and wife should treat each other. I am not going to be held accountable for what my husband does or doesn’t do. I am going to be held accountable for how well I die. With the help of my perfect Savior, empowered by his Spirit, I answer to God. This means that even when I am tempted beyond measure to nag or to yell or to {insert your choice of sinful response}, I know that there is a way out no matter what. No matter how outraged I may feel, no matter how devastating I believe the consequences of my spouse’s actions may be, I don’t have to sin, or threaten, or revile in return. If Jesus didn’t have to, why would I? Dying to self is painful, but dying in miserable sin is way worse.

“Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself, but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded. The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death. Good sense wins favor, but the way of the treacherous is their ruin” (Prov 13:13-15).

This article was originally posted at Gospel Taboo.

Why I Keep Going to Church

I love the church, but I don’t always love going to church. On any given Sunday you’ll find me under my covers listening to worship music trying to get my heart right before crawling through whatever church doors will hold me. And yet, I love the church.

My competing feelings of love and sorrow for the church can become an internal battle raging within me. I’ll admit I could easily sit at home on Sundays confused and numb because of so many bad experiences in churches, some decades ago and some recent, some incredibly personal and some watched from afar. Bad leaders. Corrupt politics. Manipulative pastors. Mean people. Vindictive groups. Twisted teaching. Power hungry people. Church splits. Warped evangelicals. Arrogant seminarians. Foolish congregants. Burned out staff. You name it, I’ve probably tasted it.

And yet, I still love the church. And it’s not because I like getting dressed up on a Sunday morning, I don’t. I love church because I love Jesus (and he’s better). Since I love Jesus, I work on trusting him enough to get out of bed, get my kids dressed and walk into a broken church. A church that’s broken because, well, all churches are broken to some extent. But Jesus tells us to go anyway (Heb 10:25). When we do, the benefits of obedience outweigh the suffering that sinful people in church cause.

Here are a few highlights of why Jesus says believers should stick with his church in spite of its flaws:

Jesus says it’ll bring encouragement.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Jesus says he’ll be with us.

Matthew 28:20 says, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations . . . and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Jesus says it’ll grow our faith.

Romans 10:17 says, “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message I heard through the word of Christ.”

Jesus says it’ll help us not be hypocrites.

James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

Jesus says it’ll help us reach maturity like his.

Ephesians 4:11-13 says, “So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and the teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”

Jesus says church is our family.

Romans 12:4-5 says, “For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.”

1 Corinthians 12:27 says, “Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it.”

Jesus loves his church so we should love what he loves.

Ephesians 5:25-30 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love her wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”

Jesus laid down his life for his church so we should too.

1 John 3:16 says, “By this we know what love is: Jesus laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”

Church being hard—maybe even lonely, doesn’t mean these promises of Jesus are less true. It actually means that being part of broken churches is exactly what forces us to trust Jesus and not one another; to look to his heavenly Kingdom and not build our own earthly ones. Since God is in control of every flawed, fractured, problem-filled and disappointing church, his point in telling us to stay a part of them must actually be that we seek him, together, in the midst of the suffering we experience in the body—because of the body.

So, as you consider whether or not to show up this Sunday, do it because you love Jesus. Trust him to care for you as you care for others in his imperfect body. One day, he promises he will make his church perfect, and when he does, you’ll get the sweetness of knowing you were part of his work all along.

Questions for Reflection:

If going to church is hard for you, have you identified why?
Have you asked God to help you work through those reasons?
Have you asked God to forgive you for what parts of your reasoning may be sinful?
Have you confessed going to church as hard to someone that can listen and care for you?
Have you helped break your church or have you been a part of solutions to help your church?
Are there people you need to ask forgiveness of for contributing to the churches’ brokenness?
What are some ways you can actively love your church family?

This article was originally posted at Gospel Taboo.